i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
