I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
