My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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