My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
