I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
