People in love make me want to vomit
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
