she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
