have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Randomize
