Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
