i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
