fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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