i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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