This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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