All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
