Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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