Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
