Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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