My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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