redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
you will always have a special place in my vag
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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