I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
