Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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