just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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