If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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