Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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