My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
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I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
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Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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