It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
