Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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