woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
