When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
