just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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