Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
