new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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