Umm I'm too high to move.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him