i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.