The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
