I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just gargled with NyQuil
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
