I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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