It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
