I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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