I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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