3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
