The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
