I can tuck mytits in my pants
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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