What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
