I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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