I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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