woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
