And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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