Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Randomize
