My underwear smells like fireworks.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
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Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
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Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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