3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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