I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
