Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Sober January is a disaster.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
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