His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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