I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
