I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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