dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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