I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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