i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Someone signed my nipple.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
