we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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