I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
